1 year, Gwamps ..

Everyone stayed home today .. from school / work. My mom and sister are leaving to Sacramento later because my other Gwampa is very ill, and might pass. :(

It's been exactly 365 days since you left us. I cannot even attempt to sum up the words to express how I feel right now. 12 months without you .. 12 meaningless months. This is really it, huh? You're not here, you won't be here, and there is no returning. I don't want to believe that, but I'm not left with anymore options .. I don't wanna fill myself with false hope..

Auntie Sarah reminded me about how you said you didn't want ANYONE to cry at your funeral, and I'm sorry that I did. I'm sorry I bawled in my chair, and that I locked myself in my room for a good month crying about it. I'm sorry I forgot to place that picture of me on your lap when I was a baby on your casket. I'm sorry I was too busy choking on tears to even sing the song I wanted to sing for you. I'm sorry I refuse to move on without you.

I need to stop beating myself up because it's okay to miss you, and it's okay to still be upset about it. I'll move on in time, but for now .. I wanna reminisce. :D
I was looking at your pictures, and I laughed at every one of them because there was always a weird story behind it. I saw the video of you outside at our old house talking about weed to this younger guy, .. LOL. Eh, Gwampa you're odd...

You taught me so much Gwampa, .. and I appreciate it because I wouldn't be the strong-willed individual I am today without you. You taught me life will knock you down, and that's it okay to fall as long as you don't remain down. You taught me how everyone looks out for themselves, as greedy and selfish that sounds, I saw it to be true. In the end, you really are watching out for yourself. You taught me that " money is the devil " LOL, We always laughed when you said that, but it's real true now that I think of it. Money can show a lot of different sides of people, their true colors. You taught me that throughout hard times, and difficult situations, it's alright to have hope and say everything will be alright. I wanna live through your words, teachings, and wisdom. I don't wanna live the rest of my life with my head down, looking numbly at the ground, walking aimlessly and taking the easy way out. I wanna experience the good and the bad, the tears and the laughter, the happiness and pain. I want it all, so that when it's my time, I can leave knowing I actually lived life, the easy and the hard parts of it, just like you did. I will know I didn't take the easy way out, but try to compromise with what life throws at me. I walked in scared, and I'm gonna walk out alive. I'm living life because of you. You let me in on life's biggest secrets, life's most hurtful pains, and life's most cherished treasures. I love you so much, Gwampa. I'm gonna make you proud, I pinky promise super swear. I miss you, and you know what? That's okay. <3

2 more days

till my Grandpa's one year. It's coming whether I'm ready for it or not, so might as well embrace what good can come from it .. I miss you Grandpa, I really do. I can't find any deeper words to describe how much I miss and love you even when I try to, I find it's a complete understatement. 1 year since you've left, and I never wanted to be in the position where I'm left counting days since you left, I wanted you to stay w/ us making the days count...I'm not ready for another Christmas, Halloween, Birthday, Graduation, Family gathering, Celebration, Easter, Cinco de Mayo, Father's Day, and any other holidays without you. The world is moving, and time is ticking without you, and I do not want to move on, but I know the world will not stop for ones unhappiness, or ones .. wants and desires. It's not like that.. You told me I have to fight for what I want, and I'm .. too tired, and heart broken to continue fighting, Gwampa. I miss you, but you're not coming back. It's harsh of me to say, especially to myself, but I have to get it through my head. I need to stop hurting myself waiting on your return. I love you, Gwampa, You know that .. everyone can see the depth of my love for you is on-going and that you didn't die in vain. You live within me, and I'm gonna always, always live through your words and your goals that you've intended for me. 42808<3

Every time I see you fallin, I'll get down on my knees and pray

Hello (: I'm gonna rant .. yeah.

I've noticed when we are young and simple-minded we expect love to be all smiles, laughs, and happy endings. I've noticed we EXPECT to find that prince just like Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and Snow White did. Because we grew up looking at books, and pictures of happy endings and pure love w/ no harships whatsoever. What they don't teach us is how hard love is, how much you have to work for it, how much you have to give up for it, and how much you are willing to put YOURSELF into it. Love is as confusing as putting a puzzle together blind folded. We don't know where all the right pieces fit, but eventually, when we do, things just start to feel and seem right. Love awakens each and every one of our emotions, and it makes us feel alive. It makes us sad one minute, happy the next, and pissed the hell off another minute. It makes us insanely crazy, but we wouldn't be full without it. We wouldn't feel whole without love. It's not always gonna be rainbows and sunshine. It's gonna be hard work for the both of you. It's gonna take effort, and strength emotionally. So, no, it's not gonna be a walk in the park, but love is certainly worth fighting for.


Goodbye!:D