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This shit is old <3

They hatin' on us, and you should know why

He's my sunshine in the rain, my tylenol when I'm in pain, let me tell you what he means to me

Happy Anni Nicholaaaas ♥ I'm laying here in bed, typing this on my phone .. LOL, last night was good beb, all of ours misunderstandings' are now crystal clear for the both of us. I'm so incredibly lucky to be blessed w.not only your love, but your patience as well. Nobody has ever taken the time to sit me down, and reassure me abt certain things the way you do. Nobody has ever made me feel the way you make me feel, as cliche as that sounds, it's 110% real deal baby. I love you Nick, I can't find an even deeper phrase for the way I feel abt you, so " I love you " is just gonna have to suffice for now. I love everything you do for me, especially the little things. The way you text me good morning, the way you won't allow myself to think I'm ugly in any shape, or form. The way you make me feel secure w.you. There's so much more beb. (= I have to go bc my lola is calling me to eat.. LOL, but just know this Nick, I WOULD NOT be capable of THIS much happiness if you weren't in my life, if I had never " stalked you ". I simply wouldn't have this much love and joy in me if it were for YOU. In a world, where I felt everything was being taken away, God gave a little back. That " little " turned into something I can't even describe. He gave and blessed me with you. You filled, completed, and became so much apart of me, and I'm not ever letting that go Realtalk. Happy Anni, I love you Nick.

OMW HOME

Sometimes, when I feel myself falling too deep, I tend to back up. I take 100 steps back because I wanna avoid hurting myself. When I meet someone like you, I mentally and emotionally prepare myself for the worst so I don't end up paying for it in the end. I hate being weak, and depending on somebody. I don't wanna have that in my life, and for a long time, I didn't. It was me, myself, & I , and a lot of people misunderstood that as being selfish. Maybe it was being selfish, but I became so fed up w.worrying, and caring abt everyone and everything but myself. Even if I avoided getting hurt for so long, I realized it started getting more difficult to connect w.people. friends, and especially boys. I just wanted to keep to myself, where my emotions were always under control. Until I met you, of course. You put me on an emotional rollercoaster, its overwhelming at times bc I'm feeling everything .. happy, sad, mad, upset, loved, lost, just EVERYTHING all at once. &It took ONE person to cause all this, and it's you. I don't mean this in a negative way .. I'm saying you have become such a huge part of my life, soul, and heart that every little thing you say or do has a positive or negative affect on me. There is so much emotion behind my " I love you's " it scares me sometimes. How could I feel all this so quickly when I spent more than half my life CONTROLLING what I feel. But this? I can't control this, you have my heart on lock, and I'm not asking for the key back. When we fight, I try and act cold as if I don't care, but its only bc that's how I'm used to being. I don't expect your words or feelings to hurt me, but they do. That's when I realized you're more than another guy. When we fight, when you let me know I've hurt you, my heart feels heavier, my stomach feels uneasy, and my eyes begin to tear up. Only YOU could make my heart feel this bc family put aside, YOU'RE ONE OF THE FEW I CARE ABT. I love the way you make me feel, I love the tears ished for you bc I know they are only for you, I love how my heart races for you, knowing its never gonna slow down and I love our fighting bc you're the only one who has the ability to make me feel ALL of this. I was an emotion-less wreck, avoiding everything that made me feel out of my element. & You? You broke down my walls, you're taking a risk w.me, and yes I'm terrified, but let's be scared together. Let's stay together, be together, and just fill eachother's days w.different emotions. I love you Nicholas, don't doubt it, don't question it, just hear me out, and accept it like I have. I'm giving you my all, and I'm putting my all into this. You're trying your very hardest, baby I know, just be patient w.me, and ill make it more than worth it. I'm so deeply invested in this .. I'm not gonna give you up, I'm not gonna give this up. Mahal kita ang puso ko, KingN <3

1 year, Gwamps ..

Everyone stayed home today .. from school / work. My mom and sister are leaving to Sacramento later because my other Gwampa is very ill, and might pass. :(

It's been exactly 365 days since you left us. I cannot even attempt to sum up the words to express how I feel right now. 12 months without you .. 12 meaningless months. This is really it, huh? You're not here, you won't be here, and there is no returning. I don't want to believe that, but I'm not left with anymore options .. I don't wanna fill myself with false hope..

Auntie Sarah reminded me about how you said you didn't want ANYONE to cry at your funeral, and I'm sorry that I did. I'm sorry I bawled in my chair, and that I locked myself in my room for a good month crying about it. I'm sorry I forgot to place that picture of me on your lap when I was a baby on your casket. I'm sorry I was too busy choking on tears to even sing the song I wanted to sing for you. I'm sorry I refuse to move on without you.

I need to stop beating myself up because it's okay to miss you, and it's okay to still be upset about it. I'll move on in time, but for now .. I wanna reminisce. :D
I was looking at your pictures, and I laughed at every one of them because there was always a weird story behind it. I saw the video of you outside at our old house talking about weed to this younger guy, .. LOL. Eh, Gwampa you're odd...

You taught me so much Gwampa, .. and I appreciate it because I wouldn't be the strong-willed individual I am today without you. You taught me life will knock you down, and that's it okay to fall as long as you don't remain down. You taught me how everyone looks out for themselves, as greedy and selfish that sounds, I saw it to be true. In the end, you really are watching out for yourself. You taught me that " money is the devil " LOL, We always laughed when you said that, but it's real true now that I think of it. Money can show a lot of different sides of people, their true colors. You taught me that throughout hard times, and difficult situations, it's alright to have hope and say everything will be alright. I wanna live through your words, teachings, and wisdom. I don't wanna live the rest of my life with my head down, looking numbly at the ground, walking aimlessly and taking the easy way out. I wanna experience the good and the bad, the tears and the laughter, the happiness and pain. I want it all, so that when it's my time, I can leave knowing I actually lived life, the easy and the hard parts of it, just like you did. I will know I didn't take the easy way out, but try to compromise with what life throws at me. I walked in scared, and I'm gonna walk out alive. I'm living life because of you. You let me in on life's biggest secrets, life's most hurtful pains, and life's most cherished treasures. I love you so much, Gwampa. I'm gonna make you proud, I pinky promise super swear. I miss you, and you know what? That's okay. <3

2 more days

till my Grandpa's one year. It's coming whether I'm ready for it or not, so might as well embrace what good can come from it .. I miss you Grandpa, I really do. I can't find any deeper words to describe how much I miss and love you even when I try to, I find it's a complete understatement. 1 year since you've left, and I never wanted to be in the position where I'm left counting days since you left, I wanted you to stay w/ us making the days count...I'm not ready for another Christmas, Halloween, Birthday, Graduation, Family gathering, Celebration, Easter, Cinco de Mayo, Father's Day, and any other holidays without you. The world is moving, and time is ticking without you, and I do not want to move on, but I know the world will not stop for ones unhappiness, or ones .. wants and desires. It's not like that.. You told me I have to fight for what I want, and I'm .. too tired, and heart broken to continue fighting, Gwampa. I miss you, but you're not coming back. It's harsh of me to say, especially to myself, but I have to get it through my head. I need to stop hurting myself waiting on your return. I love you, Gwampa, You know that .. everyone can see the depth of my love for you is on-going and that you didn't die in vain. You live within me, and I'm gonna always, always live through your words and your goals that you've intended for me. 42808<3

Every time I see you fallin, I'll get down on my knees and pray

Hello (: I'm gonna rant .. yeah.

I've noticed when we are young and simple-minded we expect love to be all smiles, laughs, and happy endings. I've noticed we EXPECT to find that prince just like Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and Snow White did. Because we grew up looking at books, and pictures of happy endings and pure love w/ no harships whatsoever. What they don't teach us is how hard love is, how much you have to work for it, how much you have to give up for it, and how much you are willing to put YOURSELF into it. Love is as confusing as putting a puzzle together blind folded. We don't know where all the right pieces fit, but eventually, when we do, things just start to feel and seem right. Love awakens each and every one of our emotions, and it makes us feel alive. It makes us sad one minute, happy the next, and pissed the hell off another minute. It makes us insanely crazy, but we wouldn't be full without it. We wouldn't feel whole without love. It's not always gonna be rainbows and sunshine. It's gonna be hard work for the both of you. It's gonna take effort, and strength emotionally. So, no, it's not gonna be a walk in the park, but love is certainly worth fighting for.


Goodbye!:D